"Me? Bored? Naaah..."

See, I'm not a morning person.

It takes ridiculous amounts of coffee & KND + Ben 10: Alien force to get me all stirred up. And that's just on weekends. Weekdays, especially Mondays, are a whole different level of personal distress. Which is why I'm currently coaxing my mind out of the zone of the half dead by juicing it up with fantasies of yours truly delivering -in scathing tones- Dilbert's rules of order to a chivvy office audience.

Now i have no idea who this Dilbert guy is, but I salute him for coming up with rules like:

-I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
-Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
-Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days the statue.
-I don't have an attitude problem, others have a perception problem.
-I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
-You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
-Everybody is somebody Else's weirdo....

...Wickedly fun no? But at this rate I'll probably ante it up to imaginary re-enactments of Carrie or the chain saw massacre so let's move on to something more wholesome like...say, lists. Now lists are fuuuun. Lists get me all perky and a perky Nyambura, is a veeery productive Nyambura. Besides, with lists, the possibilities are endless...you can make fun lists based on anything that pops into your head...

Take Entertainment weekly, who recently put together a list of 100 greatest characters in pop culture over the last 20 years, which basically features fictional women, men, ogres, muppets, babies & cartoon rockers who made a lasting impact after 1990. Most of my faves made the list (YAY!). Others evoked in me involuntary eye rolls & arched eyebrows... Borat? WTF!!!... Edward 'put-me-to-sleep' Cullen made the list & Vampire diaries' Damon Salvatore didn't? Worse, he's ranked ahead of HIMYM's Barney, The Shield's Vic Makey & Friday night lights Tim Riggins?!! Seriously???!!

Fuck their list, I say.

Here's MY greatest fictional characters (in pop culture) in the past 20 yrs list:

1. Capt. Jack Sparrow- Pirates of the Caribbean movies
2. Al Swearengen- Dead wood
3. Barney- How I met your mother
4. Damon Salvatore- Vampire Diaries
5. Jack Bauer- 24
6. Sydney Bristow -Alias
7. Veronica Mars- Veronica Mars
8. Keyser Soze- The Usual Suspects
9. Harry Potter - Harry Potter
10. Jax - Sons of Anarchy
11. Cameron- Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles
12. Omar-The wire
13. Vic Makey- The Shield
14. Gollum-Lord of the rings
15. The 'big man' (played by Papa Shirandula) in the very first Brrr coca cola commercial
16. Tim Riggins- Friday night lights
17. Don Draper- Mad men
18. Detective Alonzo Harris- Training day (After this performance, i never looked at Denzel the same way again)
19. Chuck Bass & Blair Waldorf- Gossip Girl (the Tv series)
20. Tony Soprano- The Sopranos
21. The Joker- Dark Knight
22. Chandler Bing- Friends
23. Sheldon, Leonard, Rajesh & Howard- Big Bang Theory (they're totally inseparable)
24. Buffy - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
25. Dr. Bailey- Grey's Anatomy
26. Sponge Bob- Sponge bob square pants
27. Dr. House- House, M.D
28. Madea- From the Tyler Perry films & plays
29. Dexter Morgan- Dexter
30. Amanda Wood ward- Melrose Place
31. Lex Luthor-Smallville

Honorable mentions: (characters created before 1990 but still leave me smiling)
1. Fred Sanford- Sanford n Son
2. Dr. Huxtable- Cosby Show
3. Pepe Le Pew- Looney tunes
4. Steve Urkel- Family matters

There. Short n sweet...

You're already arching your eyebrow & backing up that lip curl with a Mscheeew! aren't you?....tempted to make an even cooler list & declare mine lame? See? FUN. Sure as hell beats doodling or playing solitaire...

Now back to work.


Mob wendos,

Nyambura

PS: Allow me to share the below excerpt from a speech delivered by James Cameron

"...Don't put limitations on yourself. Other people will do that for you. Don't do that to yourself. Don't bet against yourself. And take risk. NASA has this phrase that they like, 'Failure is not an option.' But failure has to be an option. In art and exploration, failure has to be an option. Because it is a leap of faith. And no important endeavor that required innovation was done without risk. You have to be willing to take those risks...In whatever you are doing, failure is an option. But fear is not..."

The one where I dwell on Kwani?...

Indulge me for a second (or two) peeps...let's talk about reading in Kenya. I won't get all huffy about it. Promise.

I was looking at Friday's paper and they were talking about how Kwani? wako down...that somewhere along that road of serving up samplings from the Kenyan world of literature, they got it wrong...

First, a quick side note: I admit, I'm no big fan of the Kwani? books. They have the feel of a high school set book. You know; those Lit class books you trudged through 'cause your English grade depended on it. And with the exception of The Government Inspector, there is no set book I'd touch just for the fun of it...Maybe Kwani? have a different sort of reader in mind? I don't know...

What majorly bugged me about the gloom & doom article was the way it went on and on about Kwani?'s shortcomings yet offered no insights on how to make reading for fun a cool thing in a country that is hardly (and sometimes looks down on) reading for leisure.

Let's start with the said paper; their Friday entertainment section has Tv shows, movie, music reviews and even a blog review (i never quite get). There is no book review. Go to their Sunday book review section for kids, and the reviews sound like they were just copy-pasted off book blurbs...Note, there is no YA book review for the teen reader. And yes, contrary to popular belief, there are Kenyan teen readers (for research help, ask books first for their notes. They've done their homework quite nicely).

You know what would have been really cool? If the said paper (which belongs to a pretty resourceful media house) would have teamed up with Kwani? and kicked off a fab nation-wide reading campaign...or a traveling book festival...

Maybe even help set up more libraries or support existing ones...

Hell, get parents and teachers to take initiative and encourage reading. I remember during my primary school days (once upon a time), our English and Kiswahili teachers set aside a weekly double lesson for reading. Sometimes it was a quiet solo reading session in the library, sometimes the teacher picked a book and made us read it out loud in turns (quite a hair raising affair), discussing its themes as we went along. Bear in mind, this was in small town schools and all were public schools with one exception. We were not tested on it. They were just sessions dedicated to exploring the world of literature. Period. I now salute these teachers...

In a nutshell, make books accessible to as many people (especially children) as possible. THEN write about it.

And you know what would be super cool? Serving Kenyans a kick ass book buffet.
From the classics, the deliciously serious (even tragic) to the fun...throw in African, Arabian, Asian, Aussie, Carribbean, British & American tales and histories...give us all sorts of genres and garnish it with quick reads and books for the reluctant reader...we want to enter a library or a bookstore and feel like a kid let loose in a candy store.

And please don't be timid or obsessively rigid in your servings. As kids, Abunwasi, Anansi the spider and the Hare stories wowed us just as much as 1001 Arabian Nights and Enid Blyton's tales of the Faraway tree & Wishing chair. The Moses (Kibaya) series and pacesetters were on the same shelves as Famous Five, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Secret Seven and we went through them all with zeal. As for Akokhan,...well, it's as bad ass as the Marvel & DC comics. We didn't care who the authors were, what prizes they won; we just loooved a good story, so much so, swapping books & comics became a ritual of sorts in the face of the game boy rage...

I don't know if all of my former classmates are still avid readers. I'm sure quite a number are not, and that's OK (although i wish they were)...But i do strongly believe, that we owe the younger generation a right; a right for them to discover and explore the world of books. If they grow up and say reading for fun is not their thing, then so be it. But never let them say they never knew or experienced the oh so magical world of books. We owe them that much.

Why?

Because books teleport us into a realm where you get to peek into other worlds, cultures, religions, other people's experiences, hopes, fears, wishes and dreams. And if you're lucky, you may even get to battle a troll or vamp and still be back home in time for supper. Books can help fight ignorance and hate, teach us about love, friendship and the power of believing in ourselves...soothe despair just a smidge and bring comic relief. They nurture the imagination which in turn lends substance, color and oomph to dreams and ideas...and we do know how these shape and transform the world we live in don't we?...

Perhaps reading campaigns and funding public libraries may not be the most commercially viable projects but it is the right thing to do. And sometimes, that's all the reason we need.



Mob wendos,


Nyambura

A spot of whatnots

No matter how baffling or short sighted our school of thought -as Kenyans- can sometimes be, we do have moments when we do redeem ourselves... show a flash of brilliance here and there...

Case in point: Last evening, i was in the middle of a beautiful stand off at our mat stage. The touts were at it again; charging insane amounts of bus fare and blaming it on heavy traffic...only this time, we were having none of it:

The touts and stage attendants confidently announced, "Fifty bob Mater-Hazina!"

Those with the inability to visualize and get the big picture scrambled to get in while the majority of us hang back. I took the opportunity to appreciate the sky with its spectacular shades of blue and streaks of gold (oh, the places a sunset can nudge the imagination to go to...sigh)

"Fifty bob Mater-Hazina!!"

The remaining crowd stayed put and watched the mats stream in and line up.

"FIIIIFTY BOB MATER-HAZINA!!" they screamed.

We coolly stared back.

"Forty bob Mater-Hazina?" The touts offered. By this time, they were looking pretty distressed; almost hyperventilating as the imaginary end-of-day tuskers (previously envisioned as they estimated the day's bonuses) poofed out of their heads at a rather alarming rate.

We stared back some more...

And they caved in. The sight was simply priceless (not to mention comical). While paying forty percent over and above the normal fare (without prior notice) may not seem a big deal to some people, the stand off was our way of saying -as one massive unit- we won't be jerked around just cause we seem powerless, so help us God. Now if only we could keep it up...

***

Song still stuck in my head: It has to be "Love the way you lie" by Eminem & Rihanna. It's beautifully haunting; you feel the pain, the anger and a hopelessness that's a touch unhinged. The song gives me the goosebumps, gets beneath my skin and tags at them dark and twisties...totally awesome...and so on my play list.

***

Fave movie of the year: It's been months since i last went to the movies and I'm thrilled i went back just in time to catch Inception. Twice. (sorry Che, i couldn't wait. It's the morbid curiosity you see).

Yes, twice. And yes, it's that freaking awesome; an instant classic. The first time i went to watch it, i felt like someone had IVed a double espresso into my brain. I was even scared to blink, in case i missed something (and trust me, there will be moments where you will gawk and go like "What the bloody hell just happened??!!!) . Then i went to watch it a second time; this time to just leisurely soak it all in... If you looooved The Matrix, then you'll eat this one up.

Annoying people you will meet at the theater: This girl who kept loudly complaining to the boyfriend, "I don't get it...it has lots of fiction..."

Girl, what were you expecting? Seriously. It's a sci-fi movie about dreams...Sci-fi as in Science fiction? Google it up, see if you can wrap your mind around the concept THEN come watch the movie.

Fave inception quote? This guy Eames joins a gunfight, takes in his partner's fire power then quips smugly,

"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger darling," And pulls out a bad ass grenade launcher.



Mob wendos,


Nyambura

Sixpence none the richer: humbling food for thought

I suffer from curiosity, beautiful people. Which probably explains why i simply looove the power of the almighty Google. Each time i flex my fingers to search for one thing, i end up stumbling across all sorts of other interesting stuff which I just HAVE to take a peek at; see where that ka-road ends. Except that on the net, there is no end to a road; you find it going on aaaand on and branching out into curious lanes, a maze of avenues & right onto a different highway. (and yes, i do spend lots of time on the net searching for useless pieces of info)

Case in point: This morning, while listening to and totally loving Sixpence's It came upon a midnight clear, I searched for the album that holds the song and stumbled upon the origin of the band's name. Which comes from a book by C.S Lewis (the very name has my BP shooting up by a point or two) called Mere Christianity (OK, so it doesn't sound Chronicles of Narnia-ish, but I'll bite). In the book:

A little boy asks his father if he can get a sixpence -a small denomination of English currency- to go and get a gift for his father. The father gladly accepts the gift and he's really happy with it, but he also realizes that he's not any richer for the transaction. C. S Lewis was comparing that to his belief that God had given him, and us, the gifts that we possess, and to serve him the we way we should, we should do it humbly-realizing how we got the gifts in the first place.

Of late I've been seriously bugged by the 'good' being preached by some of our church leaders and so-called 'saved' people (triggered off by the draft constitution). That, coupled with my being lately afflicted with an acute case of the dark & twisties, has made it way too easy (i confess) for me to get pissed, forget to count my blessings and lose sight of the big spiritual picture...

The above piece of enlightenment sort of slams it all back into proper focus though...


Do have a reflective day peeps.


Mob wendos,


Nyambura

"An ode to THE football fan"

The final three minutes of "Hands in the sky" by Stray light run plays over and over in my head; fingers crossed (can't afford to part with another bottle of Viceroy, guys), my hands move to it's thumping beat as i urge my team on... And that's just me; your regular girl who juas the basic rules (though gets all muddled up on the offside rule) and enjoys the occasional game or two but hardly qualifies as a football fan.

Now THE football fan; that's a whole different species. And he/she brings passion, folklore and spirit in the name of the beautiful game; conjuring up a kind of magic that leaves you awestruck. Just watch any given match and you'll see them all gussied up; armed with drums, cauldrons, calabashes and chanting beeeeautiful poetry that sometimes sounds like this (and do pardon their french):

Man U fans chant:
"If i had the wings of a sparrow,
If i had the arse of a crow,
I'd fly over Maine road tomorrow,
And shit on the bastards below, beelow,
shit on, shit on,
shit on the bastards below"

New castle fans towards Sunderland fans:
"Going down, going down, going down,

Sunderland fans happily reply:

'so are we, so are we, so are we.'

A man city chant:
"Feed the goat and he will score,
Feed the goat,
Feed the goat,
Feed the goat and he will score,"

Liverpool chant (or is it anthem?):
When you walk through a storm,
hold your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm,
There's a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown...
walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone.

Vidic chant:
Nemanja whoa,
Nemanja whoa,
He come's from Serbia,
He'll fucking murder ye!

All said in good jest of course.

And that's just at the English Premier league.

So here's a toast to THE football fan. And as the world's greatest carnival draws to a close come Sunday (sniff), over 84, 000 of these guys will clench fists, chest thump, hiss blood, foot thump and fervently chant in thundering decibels bringing the calabash spectacularly to life.

Stay tuned.

Mob wendos,


Nyambura

PS: And while still on matters football, if you're a fan who enjoys devouring books, sample 'fever pitch' by Nick Hornby (hilaaarious guy by the way) who wittily recounts his love affair with football and especially Arsenal FC. Awesome read.

"They shoot haters of Mexican soaps, don't they?"

The rains have me reaching home way too early and stumbling across all sorts of shows being aired on our local channels. And all have the ability to act on me like a hole in the head; so indulge me as i rant & rave about all things television.

Mexican soap fans are currently in Tv heaven; all they have to do is sit back & channel surf to their heart's content. And that's cool, if it's your thing but let's just make sure that for peace sakes, I'm not watching any of it with you. Things will go real bad, real quick due to my inability to keep my wise ass comments to myself. Seriously.

I'll sigh "Oh, brother," and "Yeah, we get the picture," at every long winded declaration of love. Then there will be a Maria or Isabella wailing (trust me, these girls wail not cry) every 10 minutes, which will force me to quip in concern, "Maria, don't you ever get dehydrated from all the crying? Seriously girl, that can't be good for the skin,"

You'll shoot daggers at me and that will shut me up for a while, except Alejandro (or is it Antonio??) is now crying and for some reason that bugs me more than Maria's wail, so much so, that to destruct myself, I tap you on the arm and ask politely, "Say, what's with the hot dudes unbuttoning their shirts all the way down to the navel?... I'm just asking!!!"

By this time you're so majorly pissed, you'll happily lend a machete to my head. And we don't want that do we?

***

A quick comment in regard to KTN's Changing times:

First off, the tom boy & her BFF were the first to grab my attention and the romantic in me hopes that theirs, will be an interesting story. Secondly, I love the guy who puts together the show's tunes (he's got a lovely eclectic ear) BUT here's the thing; if I'm constantly coming back to my couch after the commercial break and can't remember where you left off, you're in BIG trouble.

So please have the head writer/creator re-examine her script; DO get a team of cool writers to work with her, now work up a creatively spectacular brainstorm and give us the revamped script ASAP before we keel over from boredom or simply shrug & wander off.

Fyi, team changing times: Vampire diaries piqued my interest at episode # 5 (but i confess Damon was majorly responsible for keeping me entertained on my journey to that episode n.o 5)...then they kept anteing it up episode after episode...now I'm hooked. So you see, you guys can still turn things around. And I'm a hopeful gal who believes Jennifer Gatero (that's her name yes?) has potential and with time, she can be our very own Shonda Rhimes.

In the meantime, I'll stick to my usual faves (highly recommended by yours truly in the links below).

http://nyamburazdiary.blogspot.com/2009/11/one-without-title-k-my-brains-numb-from.html

http://nyamburazdiary.blogspot.com/2010/03/hip-hip-chin-chin-blessed-easter.html

And oh, N Tv's now showing Gossip girl. KTN, you're sooo R.I.P aren't you? You have my heartfelt condolences.

***

I'm curious; what exactly are safcom's safis meant to be species wise?...
Come on guys, you can tell me, I'm quite comfy with the vamps, werewolves, elves & all other supes so it's not like my eyes will pop out in disbelief if you tell me who they are. The Skiza one (my only fave, coz it makes me smile) strangely reminds me of pilipili hohos (or a similar looking veggie) dancing to daddy yankee. Mr.Thick lips is kinda creepy, but he sure can move, no?

We're all loving the new freedom from thirst Sprite Commercial aren't we? I know my mind's eye's having a field day with that one :-)

***

Thought of the day:

"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards"

Clearly, Mr. Mark Twain had not encountered the Kenyan politician.

Mob wendos,


Nyambura

"The world's not waiting...and why should it?"

As a general rule of thumb, i avoid (and occasionally fail) getting into debates regarding politics & religion with anyone. No matter how much fun they promise to be.

Yes, I'm one of those people who opts to sit back, smile politely and throw in the occasional food for thought as i watch people passionately slug it out.

Why?

Because not only does everyone (especially yours truly) stubbornly hold onto their opinion, but in their mind they've already decided that everyone else of a different opinion is certifiably insane...

So such hearty debates sometimes get volatile, especially if fueled by alcohol (ever noticed how you feel supremely intelligent after a few sippy sippies?); buddies will exchange harsh words, chests will be painfully jabbed, punches will be thrown and on one occasion, I've seen a kitchen knife drawn (by a very polite AND sober chick) in the name of stressing a religious point (fyi, both parties were Christians).

So i won't discuss the draft constitution. But i can tell you 03 things:

1) I've been reading (aaaand still reading) it in bits & pieces (in no particular order) 'coz i need to see & understand what the fuss is about. And boy, it's not the most interesting read. It reminds me of my high school days where reading & understanding Fasihi & mashairi was such a frustrating process, it made my eyes smart. Case in point:

"A person who is detained or held in custody is entitled to petition for an order of habeas corpus"

Note i don't speak a word of latin, but i do thank the power of the almighty goggle (how on earth did i ever survive without it?). when i first saw habeas corpus, i had visions of Asterix & Obelix in rome. True story.

And that's just for starters. There's also stuff like:

"...A state of emergency may be declared only under Article 132 (4) (d) and only when- "

And more points are jotted down for your perusal...Now watch me scrambling back to Article 132 'coz i can't remember what it said...There was a bloody point (d) ???! ....and to think I'm only at page 44 with roughly 164 pages (of the above) to go (sigh).

BUT I've had GREEEAT fun visualizing a perfect world where Nyamz could get away with bitch-slapping our cops with the rights of arrested persons. I swear, in my mind's eye, I can almost hear them cops shake in their boots...and if i pause just a bit then go, "BOO!" i see them keeling over in fright :-)

2) I've encountered individuals so annoying, they've made it to the top of my pet peeves list in record speed. Below were a few of my pet peeves:

http://nyamburazdiary.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html

These are the small minded individuals who walk around throwing their hate smeared two cents in the name of making a stand. What majorly pisses me about these guys is, when I calmly ask one of them to break it down for me by indicating/highlighting/underlining which bit of the clause they have a problem with, they give me a blank look then proudly announce that they have not read any portion of the current or draft constitution! But they have a problem with it because someone else has a problem with it...Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

3) We are a nation that not only dwells too much on the differences we have as people of diverse backgrounds, but also one that is yet to learn from history. Hence we're running in circles and so missing the big picture. Again.


So come on people, THINK! Even (and especially) on an individual level, paint that picture of the future with great clarity...map the road...now conjure it up to life. We can do it & it will be worth it. And people, if we don't, the joke's on us. And someone, somewhere will keep on capitalizing, laughing & toasting to our inability to move forward...evolve into something more awesome. And no, you can't blame the devil or the western world on this one.

The saddest fact is, whether we get it or not, the world and most importantly time, keeps moving on and wouldn't be bothered. It owes us nothing; it was here first.



Mob wendos,



Nyambura