Sam: Evolution of underpants.
Nyambura: Huh?
Sam: Evolution of underpants. Proof of mankind's downfall.
Nyambura [sighing]: You're about to get into one of your flibbertigibbet rants aren't you?
Sam: Humor me for a second. In the beginning, Adam roamed the earth. His package was wild and free...experiencing a full body tan. And when I say full body, I mean-
Nyambura [Holding up her hand]: I get the picture. Move on swiftly.
Sam: OK. In those times, every bit of Adam's body was accessible to sunshine. Then Eve came along wearing an exquisite birthday suit and there was much rejoicing in the land.
Then Adam and Eve ate the fruit...
I'm guessing the convo went something like this:
Adam: *Munches fruit* This stuff is really good dear...could we get a... *Adam gets a glazed look*
Eve: Get a what, dear?
Adam: Ahem. Er...honey...your erm...lady bits are exposed.
Eve: My what? Bits? What are you...erm, Adam, you're pointing at me.
Adam: I am NOT! My hands are behind my back!
Eve: Who said anything about your hands? Is THAT (pointing) supposed to do that? I think I have a headache
And so Nyambura, some nearby leaves were quickly fashioned into the world's first designer vine undies.
Humans have a dazzling array of underthings that they have worn since the first day a prehistoric caveman sat on a sun blasted rock and got his backside blistered...or probably walked naked through a patch of poison ivy and had his...you get the picture. First, there was probably a bunny that lost its warm pelt to cover the exposed gonads of our ancestor (which, fyi, goes to prove how old Hefner really is. Hell, he can probably remember actual events that are 3,000+ years old. Playboy bunnies are carbon dated. True story). So with time, humans found positively amazing ways to cover up their nudity.
The Europeans though, treated nudity like a really dangerous concept. Especially in the early 1800s. Back then, chicks swimsuits had PETTICOATS! Apparently the sight of a well turned ankle would drive men to distraction.
Oddly enough, this is the period where flower bouquets became fashionable. That and the belief that bathing regularly was a health hazard of sorts...
What's interesting to note however, is how much smaller underwear have become over the ages. And this goes for both sexes but more so the ladies of course.
Global warming perhaps?
Possibly. For the male population -more so the younger generation- underwear is now outwear. And not in a superman/batman underpants-over-tights super hero fashion statement kind of way.
Pause. Did you see that? Proof of brain slowly but surely turning to mush.
Will someone please explain (using detailed diagrams) why on earth the nimrods (pictured above) would want to put their skid marked goods out for public display?
Ponder on the below and the plausible explanation for it:
This totally sheds light on the whole sagging situation...this inane ramble should probably end right about now. . .Nyambura [Raising right eyebrow]: You think?
Sam: Love that eyebrow thing you do. Wish I could do that. Now, before I lose steam, let's have a flashback to Garden of Eden as they were serving their notice period prior to eviction.
The Setting: Adam is stepping out of a waterfall having just had a refreshing shower (probably his last in a long while).
Adam: My adorable golden fluid made by those stinging insects (he's forgotten whether he named said insect 'Bee' or was it 'hornet'...could be 'wasp'...anyhow) We will have to leave this paradise shortly. We only have time for a quick bite and then off we go...
Eve: My love, I have prepared a fitting feast. See? I even laid it out on the most fetching, over sized fig leaf I could find.
Adam: The leaf looks terribly familiar oh fruit of my eye...
Eve: Why do you think it looks familiar, my virile stallion of the plains?
Adam: Oh my surgically detached better half. That leaf was only hours ago...strategically placed on my nether region...erm...the backside to be precise. You know how that fruit gives me gas...
Eve *gags & gives him a frosty stare* [sotto voice]: There was a perfectly serviceable leaf mulch pit where that leaf should have been placed...but would you place it in the mulch pit? Oh no Mister I-name-all-the-animals, can't even put a simple LEAF into the MULCH PIT! And then you go asking God to come over for a peace meal knowing fully well I haven't a stitch to wear and do you even bother to tell me in good time that he's coming over? Noooooooo...
At which point the world's first murderous thought was conceived, later on followed through by Cain...
Underpants. They truly lead to the undoing of the world.
[Sam glances at his watch and smiles beatifically at a speechless Nyambura]: Ah...the nice people with the colorful pills are about to arrive again...
