"Warning: Here be an ode...of sorts..."

When in need of some spoil-meself-silly retail therapy, I don't do shoes; I go on a kick ass book buying expedition (key word being expedition, beautiful people). And of late, I've been in dire need of some of that therapy, thanks to a nightmarish week in the office and a nasty bout of the flu that left me with a throat infection as a souvenir.

So I hit a few bookstores and found nothing interesting enough to make me want to splurge. Pissed, my best bud R and I revisited the pros of ordering book titles I want, not those that the local bookstores have. Only this time, it would involve me book browsing beyond my country code, drawing up a sensible book list ( those are R's words and good luck trying to explain to me how sensibility & books can co-exist in my world), practicing patience and having faith in the kindness of strangers. The ultimate upside? We'd do it darn cheap 'coz he knows a guy who knows a girl who knows a guy...all on the up & up...

Most people call R a hustler; an operator...you know, one those original sunbeam alumni types who can get you an original Manolo or Jimmy choo at an irresistible price. Some Kenyans pigeon hole them as guys who would sell their cucu if the price is right or as baddies who break hearts as they play (fyi, you'll always find dodgy characters peppered all over even in 'safe' places like church). And if that is all you're prepared to see, that is all you'll get.

Me? I prefer the moniker, the go-to guy. The guy who can get it for you or knows someone else who can. 'It' can be just about anything; a book, a pair of sneakers, designer perfume or a whole different way of thinking...a different approach to doing things. These go-to people are the kings & queens of versatility. They not only have down pat 100 ways of skinning a cat; they can throw in 10 more ways if required to do so.

They don't understand slacker mentality because it's a mentality that goes no where; a cop out. But they do get that life is unfair and that the odds are heavily stacked against them. They know how to get money and are skilled at it...they've had to be. Once upon a time, long before there was Equity Bank, banks hardly acknowledged their -and any other small scale entrepreneur's- existence. Now the very same banks are scrambling for them; wanting a piece of the lovely SME pie...now if only more people would acknowledge the potential these guys have when it comes to shaping and moving our world...

But don't be fooled by their seemingly easy going nature and the dapper look. Kick it back with these guys after a long day's work and they'll occasionally let slip shards of a harsh past life. And if you look into their eyes long enough, you'll see within those depths a tenacity and something else...something profound and heartbreaking. Even now, they are not home free.Yet. Not when you've got the greedy landlords, high costs of living, some more odds being stacked up and a recession that has financially claimed several of their own. Yet, they're still doing their thing with a roho juu swagger.

So, to the go-to guys I've come to call friends (yes, I'm referring to you R, BK, M & Che), I tip my hat and say a prayer; for I have come to lean on you guys when I'm in need of inspiration, strength, 3D thinking sessions aaaand of course priceless company.

And oh, honorable mentions go to Elvis, gal you're doing your thing and so rocking it, I'm in awe. And to you E, for tirelessly sating my appetite for all things far out and brilliant in the realm of tubey & movie magic...

***

Of miscellaneous life lessons: You know how as kids we'd swear, "If I'm lying, may lightning strike me dead?" And you ALWAYS remembered to cross your fingers when saying it?

Well, as we were about to start the Stan chart Marathon last Sunday, a colleague of mine was pointing out to me instances when life just sucks (details of which i now can't remember). And being in such a lovely mood, I cheerfully quipped back, "Oh well, sometimes we've got to accept that some days we're the pigeons and some days the statue..." (yes Dilbert, whoever you are. I'm soo blaming this on you)
It did not occur to me that we were standing below those tall trees at Nyayo Stadium; you know, the trees where the Marabou storks reside. It also didn't occur to me that one of the storks may have been listening in on our conversation. Worse, i didn't think to cross my fingers. So a few seconds later, the eavesdropping Marabou stork took a dump. It's aim was lousy, but bits of its humongous droppings did manage to fall on my arm. The guy standing next to me? Not so lucky.

Moral of the story?
-On some days, you really are the Statue.
-Always cross your fingers (with the reality of lesson # 1 in mind)...
-Don't be a wise ass. No one likes a wise ass. Not even Marabou storks...


Mob wendos,


Nyambura

"Me? Bored? Naaah..."

See, I'm not a morning person.

It takes ridiculous amounts of coffee & KND + Ben 10: Alien force to get me all stirred up. And that's just on weekends. Weekdays, especially Mondays, are a whole different level of personal distress. Which is why I'm currently coaxing my mind out of the zone of the half dead by juicing it up with fantasies of yours truly delivering -in scathing tones- Dilbert's rules of order to a chivvy office audience.

Now i have no idea who this Dilbert guy is, but I salute him for coming up with rules like:

-I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
-Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
-Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days the statue.
-I don't have an attitude problem, others have a perception problem.
-I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
-You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
-Everybody is somebody Else's weirdo....

...Wickedly fun no? But at this rate I'll probably ante it up to imaginary re-enactments of Carrie or the chain saw massacre so let's move on to something more wholesome like...say, lists. Now lists are fuuuun. Lists get me all perky and a perky Nyambura, is a veeery productive Nyambura. Besides, with lists, the possibilities are endless...you can make fun lists based on anything that pops into your head...

Take Entertainment weekly, who recently put together a list of 100 greatest characters in pop culture over the last 20 years, which basically features fictional women, men, ogres, muppets, babies & cartoon rockers who made a lasting impact after 1990. Most of my faves made the list (YAY!). Others evoked in me involuntary eye rolls & arched eyebrows... Borat? WTF!!!... Edward 'put-me-to-sleep' Cullen made the list & Vampire diaries' Damon Salvatore didn't? Worse, he's ranked ahead of HIMYM's Barney, The Shield's Vic Makey & Friday night lights Tim Riggins?!! Seriously???!!

Fuck their list, I say.

Here's MY greatest fictional characters (in pop culture) in the past 20 yrs list:

1. Capt. Jack Sparrow- Pirates of the Caribbean movies
2. Al Swearengen- Dead wood
3. Barney- How I met your mother
4. Damon Salvatore- Vampire Diaries
5. Jack Bauer- 24
6. Sydney Bristow -Alias
7. Veronica Mars- Veronica Mars
8. Keyser Soze- The Usual Suspects
9. Harry Potter - Harry Potter
10. Jax - Sons of Anarchy
11. Cameron- Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles
12. Omar-The wire
13. Vic Makey- The Shield
14. Gollum-Lord of the rings
15. The 'big man' (played by Papa Shirandula) in the very first Brrr coca cola commercial
16. Tim Riggins- Friday night lights
17. Don Draper- Mad men
18. Detective Alonzo Harris- Training day (After this performance, i never looked at Denzel the same way again)
19. Chuck Bass & Blair Waldorf- Gossip Girl (the Tv series)
20. Tony Soprano- The Sopranos
21. The Joker- Dark Knight
22. Chandler Bing- Friends
23. Sheldon, Leonard, Rajesh & Howard- Big Bang Theory (they're totally inseparable)
24. Buffy - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
25. Dr. Bailey- Grey's Anatomy
26. Sponge Bob- Sponge bob square pants
27. Dr. House- House, M.D
28. Madea- From the Tyler Perry films & plays
29. Dexter Morgan- Dexter
30. Amanda Wood ward- Melrose Place
31. Lex Luthor-Smallville

Honorable mentions: (characters created before 1990 but still leave me smiling)
1. Fred Sanford- Sanford n Son
2. Dr. Huxtable- Cosby Show
3. Pepe Le Pew- Looney tunes
4. Steve Urkel- Family matters

There. Short n sweet...

You're already arching your eyebrow & backing up that lip curl with a Mscheeew! aren't you?....tempted to make an even cooler list & declare mine lame? See? FUN. Sure as hell beats doodling or playing solitaire...

Now back to work.


Mob wendos,

Nyambura

PS: Allow me to share the below excerpt from a speech delivered by James Cameron

"...Don't put limitations on yourself. Other people will do that for you. Don't do that to yourself. Don't bet against yourself. And take risk. NASA has this phrase that they like, 'Failure is not an option.' But failure has to be an option. In art and exploration, failure has to be an option. Because it is a leap of faith. And no important endeavor that required innovation was done without risk. You have to be willing to take those risks...In whatever you are doing, failure is an option. But fear is not..."

The one where I dwell on Kwani?...

Indulge me for a second (or two) peeps...let's talk about reading in Kenya. I won't get all huffy about it. Promise.

I was looking at Friday's paper and they were talking about how Kwani? wako down...that somewhere along that road of serving up samplings from the Kenyan world of literature, they got it wrong...

First, a quick side note: I admit, I'm no big fan of the Kwani? books. They have the feel of a high school set book. You know; those Lit class books you trudged through 'cause your English grade depended on it. And with the exception of The Government Inspector, there is no set book I'd touch just for the fun of it...Maybe Kwani? have a different sort of reader in mind? I don't know...

What majorly bugged me about the gloom & doom article was the way it went on and on about Kwani?'s shortcomings yet offered no insights on how to make reading for fun a cool thing in a country that is hardly (and sometimes looks down on) reading for leisure.

Let's start with the said paper; their Friday entertainment section has Tv shows, movie, music reviews and even a blog review (i never quite get). There is no book review. Go to their Sunday book review section for kids, and the reviews sound like they were just copy-pasted off book blurbs...Note, there is no YA book review for the teen reader. And yes, contrary to popular belief, there are Kenyan teen readers (for research help, ask books first for their notes. They've done their homework quite nicely).

You know what would have been really cool? If the said paper (which belongs to a pretty resourceful media house) would have teamed up with Kwani? and kicked off a fab nation-wide reading campaign...or a traveling book festival...

Maybe even help set up more libraries or support existing ones...

Hell, get parents and teachers to take initiative and encourage reading. I remember during my primary school days (once upon a time), our English and Kiswahili teachers set aside a weekly double lesson for reading. Sometimes it was a quiet solo reading session in the library, sometimes the teacher picked a book and made us read it out loud in turns (quite a hair raising affair), discussing its themes as we went along. Bear in mind, this was in small town schools and all were public schools with one exception. We were not tested on it. They were just sessions dedicated to exploring the world of literature. Period. I now salute these teachers...

In a nutshell, make books accessible to as many people (especially children) as possible. THEN write about it.

And you know what would be super cool? Serving Kenyans a kick ass book buffet.
From the classics, the deliciously serious (even tragic) to the fun...throw in African, Arabian, Asian, Aussie, Carribbean, British & American tales and histories...give us all sorts of genres and garnish it with quick reads and books for the reluctant reader...we want to enter a library or a bookstore and feel like a kid let loose in a candy store.

And please don't be timid or obsessively rigid in your servings. As kids, Abunwasi, Anansi the spider and the Hare stories wowed us just as much as 1001 Arabian Nights and Enid Blyton's tales of the Faraway tree & Wishing chair. The Moses (Kibaya) series and pacesetters were on the same shelves as Famous Five, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Secret Seven and we went through them all with zeal. As for Akokhan,...well, it's as bad ass as the Marvel & DC comics. We didn't care who the authors were, what prizes they won; we just loooved a good story, so much so, swapping books & comics became a ritual of sorts in the face of the game boy rage...

I don't know if all of my former classmates are still avid readers. I'm sure quite a number are not, and that's OK (although i wish they were)...But i do strongly believe, that we owe the younger generation a right; a right for them to discover and explore the world of books. If they grow up and say reading for fun is not their thing, then so be it. But never let them say they never knew or experienced the oh so magical world of books. We owe them that much.

Why?

Because books teleport us into a realm where you get to peek into other worlds, cultures, religions, other people's experiences, hopes, fears, wishes and dreams. And if you're lucky, you may even get to battle a troll or vamp and still be back home in time for supper. Books can help fight ignorance and hate, teach us about love, friendship and the power of believing in ourselves...soothe despair just a smidge and bring comic relief. They nurture the imagination which in turn lends substance, color and oomph to dreams and ideas...and we do know how these shape and transform the world we live in don't we?...

Perhaps reading campaigns and funding public libraries may not be the most commercially viable projects but it is the right thing to do. And sometimes, that's all the reason we need.



Mob wendos,


Nyambura

A spot of whatnots

No matter how baffling or short sighted our school of thought -as Kenyans- can sometimes be, we do have moments when we do redeem ourselves... show a flash of brilliance here and there...

Case in point: Last evening, i was in the middle of a beautiful stand off at our mat stage. The touts were at it again; charging insane amounts of bus fare and blaming it on heavy traffic...only this time, we were having none of it:

The touts and stage attendants confidently announced, "Fifty bob Mater-Hazina!"

Those with the inability to visualize and get the big picture scrambled to get in while the majority of us hang back. I took the opportunity to appreciate the sky with its spectacular shades of blue and streaks of gold (oh, the places a sunset can nudge the imagination to go to...sigh)

"Fifty bob Mater-Hazina!!"

The remaining crowd stayed put and watched the mats stream in and line up.

"FIIIIFTY BOB MATER-HAZINA!!" they screamed.

We coolly stared back.

"Forty bob Mater-Hazina?" The touts offered. By this time, they were looking pretty distressed; almost hyperventilating as the imaginary end-of-day tuskers (previously envisioned as they estimated the day's bonuses) poofed out of their heads at a rather alarming rate.

We stared back some more...

And they caved in. The sight was simply priceless (not to mention comical). While paying forty percent over and above the normal fare (without prior notice) may not seem a big deal to some people, the stand off was our way of saying -as one massive unit- we won't be jerked around just cause we seem powerless, so help us God. Now if only we could keep it up...

***

Song still stuck in my head: It has to be "Love the way you lie" by Eminem & Rihanna. It's beautifully haunting; you feel the pain, the anger and a hopelessness that's a touch unhinged. The song gives me the goosebumps, gets beneath my skin and tags at them dark and twisties...totally awesome...and so on my play list.

***

Fave movie of the year: It's been months since i last went to the movies and I'm thrilled i went back just in time to catch Inception. Twice. (sorry Che, i couldn't wait. It's the morbid curiosity you see).

Yes, twice. And yes, it's that freaking awesome; an instant classic. The first time i went to watch it, i felt like someone had IVed a double espresso into my brain. I was even scared to blink, in case i missed something (and trust me, there will be moments where you will gawk and go like "What the bloody hell just happened??!!!) . Then i went to watch it a second time; this time to just leisurely soak it all in... If you looooved The Matrix, then you'll eat this one up.

Annoying people you will meet at the theater: This girl who kept loudly complaining to the boyfriend, "I don't get it...it has lots of fiction..."

Girl, what were you expecting? Seriously. It's a sci-fi movie about dreams...Sci-fi as in Science fiction? Google it up, see if you can wrap your mind around the concept THEN come watch the movie.

Fave inception quote? This guy Eames joins a gunfight, takes in his partner's fire power then quips smugly,

"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger darling," And pulls out a bad ass grenade launcher.



Mob wendos,


Nyambura

Sixpence none the richer: humbling food for thought

I suffer from curiosity, beautiful people. Which probably explains why i simply looove the power of the almighty Google. Each time i flex my fingers to search for one thing, i end up stumbling across all sorts of other interesting stuff which I just HAVE to take a peek at; see where that ka-road ends. Except that on the net, there is no end to a road; you find it going on aaaand on and branching out into curious lanes, a maze of avenues & right onto a different highway. (and yes, i do spend lots of time on the net searching for useless pieces of info)

Case in point: This morning, while listening to and totally loving Sixpence's It came upon a midnight clear, I searched for the album that holds the song and stumbled upon the origin of the band's name. Which comes from a book by C.S Lewis (the very name has my BP shooting up by a point or two) called Mere Christianity (OK, so it doesn't sound Chronicles of Narnia-ish, but I'll bite). In the book:

A little boy asks his father if he can get a sixpence -a small denomination of English currency- to go and get a gift for his father. The father gladly accepts the gift and he's really happy with it, but he also realizes that he's not any richer for the transaction. C. S Lewis was comparing that to his belief that God had given him, and us, the gifts that we possess, and to serve him the we way we should, we should do it humbly-realizing how we got the gifts in the first place.

Of late I've been seriously bugged by the 'good' being preached by some of our church leaders and so-called 'saved' people (triggered off by the draft constitution). That, coupled with my being lately afflicted with an acute case of the dark & twisties, has made it way too easy (i confess) for me to get pissed, forget to count my blessings and lose sight of the big spiritual picture...

The above piece of enlightenment sort of slams it all back into proper focus though...


Do have a reflective day peeps.


Mob wendos,


Nyambura

"An ode to THE football fan"

The final three minutes of "Hands in the sky" by Stray light run plays over and over in my head; fingers crossed (can't afford to part with another bottle of Viceroy, guys), my hands move to it's thumping beat as i urge my team on... And that's just me; your regular girl who juas the basic rules (though gets all muddled up on the offside rule) and enjoys the occasional game or two but hardly qualifies as a football fan.

Now THE football fan; that's a whole different species. And he/she brings passion, folklore and spirit in the name of the beautiful game; conjuring up a kind of magic that leaves you awestruck. Just watch any given match and you'll see them all gussied up; armed with drums, cauldrons, calabashes and chanting beeeeautiful poetry that sometimes sounds like this (and do pardon their french):

Man U fans chant:
"If i had the wings of a sparrow,
If i had the arse of a crow,
I'd fly over Maine road tomorrow,
And shit on the bastards below, beelow,
shit on, shit on,
shit on the bastards below"

New castle fans towards Sunderland fans:
"Going down, going down, going down,

Sunderland fans happily reply:

'so are we, so are we, so are we.'

A man city chant:
"Feed the goat and he will score,
Feed the goat,
Feed the goat,
Feed the goat and he will score,"

Liverpool chant (or is it anthem?):
When you walk through a storm,
hold your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm,
There's a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown...
walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone.

Vidic chant:
Nemanja whoa,
Nemanja whoa,
He come's from Serbia,
He'll fucking murder ye!

All said in good jest of course.

And that's just at the English Premier league.

So here's a toast to THE football fan. And as the world's greatest carnival draws to a close come Sunday (sniff), over 84, 000 of these guys will clench fists, chest thump, hiss blood, foot thump and fervently chant in thundering decibels bringing the calabash spectacularly to life.

Stay tuned.

Mob wendos,


Nyambura

PS: And while still on matters football, if you're a fan who enjoys devouring books, sample 'fever pitch' by Nick Hornby (hilaaarious guy by the way) who wittily recounts his love affair with football and especially Arsenal FC. Awesome read.

"They shoot haters of Mexican soaps, don't they?"

The rains have me reaching home way too early and stumbling across all sorts of shows being aired on our local channels. And all have the ability to act on me like a hole in the head; so indulge me as i rant & rave about all things television.

Mexican soap fans are currently in Tv heaven; all they have to do is sit back & channel surf to their heart's content. And that's cool, if it's your thing but let's just make sure that for peace sakes, I'm not watching any of it with you. Things will go real bad, real quick due to my inability to keep my wise ass comments to myself. Seriously.

I'll sigh "Oh, brother," and "Yeah, we get the picture," at every long winded declaration of love. Then there will be a Maria or Isabella wailing (trust me, these girls wail not cry) every 10 minutes, which will force me to quip in concern, "Maria, don't you ever get dehydrated from all the crying? Seriously girl, that can't be good for the skin,"

You'll shoot daggers at me and that will shut me up for a while, except Alejandro (or is it Antonio??) is now crying and for some reason that bugs me more than Maria's wail, so much so, that to destruct myself, I tap you on the arm and ask politely, "Say, what's with the hot dudes unbuttoning their shirts all the way down to the navel?... I'm just asking!!!"

By this time you're so majorly pissed, you'll happily lend a machete to my head. And we don't want that do we?

***

A quick comment in regard to KTN's Changing times:

First off, the tom boy & her BFF were the first to grab my attention and the romantic in me hopes that theirs, will be an interesting story. Secondly, I love the guy who puts together the show's tunes (he's got a lovely eclectic ear) BUT here's the thing; if I'm constantly coming back to my couch after the commercial break and can't remember where you left off, you're in BIG trouble.

So please have the head writer/creator re-examine her script; DO get a team of cool writers to work with her, now work up a creatively spectacular brainstorm and give us the revamped script ASAP before we keel over from boredom or simply shrug & wander off.

Fyi, team changing times: Vampire diaries piqued my interest at episode # 5 (but i confess Damon was majorly responsible for keeping me entertained on my journey to that episode n.o 5)...then they kept anteing it up episode after episode...now I'm hooked. So you see, you guys can still turn things around. And I'm a hopeful gal who believes Jennifer Gatero (that's her name yes?) has potential and with time, she can be our very own Shonda Rhimes.

In the meantime, I'll stick to my usual faves (highly recommended by yours truly in the links below).

http://nyamburazdiary.blogspot.com/2009/11/one-without-title-k-my-brains-numb-from.html

http://nyamburazdiary.blogspot.com/2010/03/hip-hip-chin-chin-blessed-easter.html

And oh, N Tv's now showing Gossip girl. KTN, you're sooo R.I.P aren't you? You have my heartfelt condolences.

***

I'm curious; what exactly are safcom's safis meant to be species wise?...
Come on guys, you can tell me, I'm quite comfy with the vamps, werewolves, elves & all other supes so it's not like my eyes will pop out in disbelief if you tell me who they are. The Skiza one (my only fave, coz it makes me smile) strangely reminds me of pilipili hohos (or a similar looking veggie) dancing to daddy yankee. Mr.Thick lips is kinda creepy, but he sure can move, no?

We're all loving the new freedom from thirst Sprite Commercial aren't we? I know my mind's eye's having a field day with that one :-)

***

Thought of the day:

"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards"

Clearly, Mr. Mark Twain had not encountered the Kenyan politician.

Mob wendos,


Nyambura