7 things I'm grateful for this X-mas...

# 7. Vodka:
For its ability to:
1. Make me believe i can dance like shakira.
2. Inspire me to play the Air guitar as i pretend to be Slash & Carlos Santana. Disturbing, i know. But totally fun
3. Bring out my inner 18th century pirate (except i have better hygiene & would probably faint at the sight of blood). And yes, in my intoxicated mind's eye I've got that swagger down pat as i enthusiastically do damage to the wallet, throat, waistline and dance floor.

# 6. The Baristas at Dormans coffee shops:
For making smooth, hit-all-the-right-spots iced cappuccinos; my drink of choice whatever the weather. Hell, once or twice maybe thrice a week, it will even make my toes curl :-)

# 5. The stupidity of mankind:
You've got wars waged & injustices committed in the name of God and peace. Greed, vanity, obsession to conform & instant gratification seem to be the in-thing in our society. Then you've got our politicians (don't you just cringe when they open their mouths?), and the hilariously silly mistakes we make as individuals.
Those are just a few classic examples of why man is such an idiot. And they call us the thinking animal. But hopefully these mistakes move us to reflect and become wiser; angry enough to make a positive difference in the world around us and others can...well, become barroom tales & legends that go a long way into making an evening at the locals LEGEN...wait for it...DARY!

# 4. Pretty cool siblings:
We don't get to choose our family. So you're pretty much stuck with what you got no? So let me brag just a smidge by declaring I've got some pretty awesome individuals for siblings. And what's even cooler, i also count them as friends.

# 3. True-blue friends:
These are the friends who inspire & challenge me to be the very best of me; those who are a rock; those who take the time to ask "How you doing?" ; those who humor me when I'm being a total arse; and those who go "Your day sucked huh? Let's have a beer..."

Guys, my prayer and hope is that i can return the favor

# 2. A job that pays the bills & then some, good health and a dose of zaniness that is just right


# 1. My mum:
When you're experiencing one of those life's lows and someone out of the blue tells you "Remember you have a place home and no body will ever take it," You KNOW you've got a priceless person in your corner. And yeah, my mum's super awesome like that...


Have a fab x-mas all.


Mob wendos,


Nyambura


PS: I've just added Ozwald Boateng to my list of cool, inspiring people a.k.a "list of people i'd invite for dinner dead or alive". He's not only got the right kind of attitude & school of thought, but he's also a citizen of the world striving to make a positive difference.

A glimpse into the bizarre workings of the Kenyan mind....

Now, during rush hour the one way fare to south B is 30 bob... the flashy mats may even charge 40 bob but majority stick with 30 bob. Off peak hours, the one way fare is 20 bob.

Last evening, the south b mats trickled in with the touts gallantly declaring "Hundred bob Mater-Hazina!"
The crowd mumbled and grumbled and the touts had a change of heart, "Seventy bob Mater-Hazina!

Now this is where any ordinary person with an ounce of good sense would have done the mental math, looked up at the clear sky to confirm if pigs were indeed flying and asked the commuter on his left "Is the town on fire & we didn't get the heads up? Ama there's a riot ?"
Commuter-on-his-left looking just as puzzled would have probably replied "I didn't hear anything. Maybe public transport has just been declared illegal and this is the last run,"

And if the answer to all of the above was no, you'd all calmly stay put and pointedly ignore the touts till they got the point. And they WOULD get the point. Business sense dictates they HAVE to get the point.

But noooo, a huge chunk of the good, hard working folks of south B scrambled into the mats like you wouldn't believe. The touts saw the mad rush, got all excited and screamed "FOOOORTTY bob kusimama!"

And more people pushed and shoved to get in, some nearly having their eyes gorged out by umbrellas and enthusiastic bony elbows. You see the way in cartoons they depict a mad brawl as this huuge chaotic cloud of dust with lots of cussing, punching, yelping & jostling sounds and all you can see are their limbs & assorted body parts sticking out? It looked something like that.The rest of us were just left braving the chilly weather waiting for the fares to come down. And they did.


Here's what i don't get.

If EACH & EVERY commuter had stayed put and refused to enter the mats, those guys would have brought the crazy fares down. Why?
We had the numbers; that stage had throngs of commuters. Those mats cannot afford to go back empty. They cannot afford to waste time either. They would have glared at us and we'd have glared back but eventually they would have backed down. We even had a Karl Max type commuter loudly trying to clue in the minority who may have been slow in reaching that logic. He practically begged them to use their common sense. It was not about the haves and have-nots. It was about someone blatantly deciding they will exploit you and banking on the fact that you will give in...

Here's some food for thought, "If poverty is the mother of crime, lack of good sense is the father," by Jean de la Bruyere.


And as Dr. Phil says, "You either get it or you don't"



Mob wendos,


Nyambura

The Clande culture

Move over clutch bag and sexy peep toes.
Clandes are all the rage now (that stupid Mohawk hair style is a close second). Even our local FM radio stations are cashing in on it sounding a touch like hawkers bellowing "Ni ya leo!...Bei ya jioni ni ya leo!". If you're married and not doing it, you're not with it. It's the quick fix 'solution' to every marital problem. Why get off your arse & try to make it work when you can simply slap the clande band aid over those pesky relationship flaws & wounds?

She drools when sleeping? Get a clande...
He's gotten pudgy, sloppy & snores in bed? Get a clande...
He's become a broke arse & she doesn't look as hot? What you waiting for? Get a clande!
Your partner's gotten side tracked with the routine that is life? Get a clande...

Aaaand the circus continues to thrill & amaze with lots of clowns enthusiastically jumping in...

Clandes are not just about falling into temptation. Nope, take it a notch down; clandes are all about careful planning & allocating resources as you perfect the art of deceit on someone who's supposed to have your back; A 'loved' one. (I'd love to see what they do to enemies). It's that selfish, calculated and below the belt.

I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, if true-blue friendship was a mandatory requirement in marriage, then maybe it would make a difference in the statistics. Perhaps as friends, maybe one would care enough to try to make it work, and the respect you have for each other would make you pause as you contemplate putting your foot over that line and you'd have the comfort of knowing, even if it doesn't work, you gave it your best shot...but how practical would friendship be when:
Many women believe a man= security, the fear of being alone haunts the dreams of many, marriage is perceived to= status, we live in a society where the worth of a woman is not that much, and where some women do not see themselves as complete if their name is not preceded with a Mrs...

Then again, what would this girl know when she's merely on the outside, looking in?


Here's some food for thought in the form of a poem by Charles Bukowski

Alone with everybody:
The flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind in there
and sometimes a soul,
and the women break vases against the walls,
and the men drink too much.
and nobody finds the one but keep looking
crawling in and out of beds.

Flesh covers the bone
and the flesh searches for more than flesh

There's no chance at all:
we are all trapped by a singular fate.

Nobody ever finds the one.

The city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the grave yards fill

Nothing else fills
***

Have a fab week, beautiful people.


Mob wendos,




Nyambura

PS: speaking of things in fashion this season; I'm i seeing my own things, or is there an unusually large number of pregnant young women in town? Hell, you wouldn't even know there's a recession on. Why get Manolos & Jimmy Choos when you can simply get a baby right?

The one without a title (a k a, my brain's numb from TV watching much)

I'm i the only one who gets irritated with the put-me-to-sleep entertainment reviews on our local dailies? You pore over them and you're still left puzzled as to whether you should watch the show/movie or give it a pass. It's almost like the authors were given the type of punishment where you have to write 101 lines like we used to in school. (OK, so we never got such a punishment in school, but sometimes i wish we had coz it sure beats chopping firewood no?) I just wish they wrote with feeling; like they actually watched it (hint: if you're a guy who can't stand desperate housewives, give it to someone who can at least give us a fair picture of what to expect) instead of sounding like they just copy & paste blurbs...

BUT to be fair, they get paid for it so they HAVE to do it, which automatically becomes a buzz kill...sooo, since we'll still be major broke arses this weekend, and staying home is the most pocket friendly entertainment option, I've decided to jot down a few of my recommendations for the weekend....

# 1. Deadwood: season 1,2,3 (A collector' s item in my books)
This is not only one of my all time fave shows, but it is also one of the dirtiest and most brilliantly written. This western drama series is set in the lawless town of deadwood during the gold rush era. The corruption, politics, shady alliances and power play disturbingly remind me of present day Kenya, except we Kenyans have better personal hygiene and worry too much what people think.
The profanity (used liberally & with gusto) will leave your jaw on the floor and the characters, who range from the vile to the quirky are all unforgettable.

2 reasons why i love this show so much?

2. The plot's tight and the dialogue is sheer poetry. You're left feeling like you're watching a wild west version of a Shakespearean play (that is if Shakespeare wrote it psyched and spectacularly drunk to his eye balls) ; the showdowns between Al Swearengen (chief villain) and the Sheriff are just as dramatic and the antics of characters like calamity Jane (the town drunk) and Mr. Wu (a businessman who doesn't speak English but juas 01 lovely English swear word...and no, it doesn't start with an F) will leave you in stitches.

And my # 1 reason? One Al Swearengen: This guy takes hustling up to a whole new level. He's ruthless, highly intelligent and cunning, so much so, you find yourself grudgingly respecting & rooting for him. And why shouldn't you when he's constantly & deftly delivering (in vicious tones) philosophies like:

"...pain or damage don't end the world, or despair or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you've got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man-and give some back!"

Do I hear a liquid hallelujah everyone?

# 2. How i met your mother: season 1-5 (Also a collector's item)
Want to burst a gut laughing? this is your show. Why? because it is, simply put, LEGEN....waaaait for it...DARY!!!

# 3. Gossip girl: season 1,2,3
Fact: This is a show based on the YA book series (which i read & in my opinion, the show is sassier than the books) by the same name about a mysterious blogger who updates us on the lives of ridiculously rich, private school attending teens. (yes, the butch side in me nearly rolled my eyes at this, but its surprisingly entertaining, so don't be too quick to judge the book by its cover)

Fact: The show is a guilty pleasure teen drama (& way cooler than the adult soaps) so you're not supposed to take it too seriously. Hell, that's the whole point of guilty pleasure entertainment!!!!

Yes, i LOVE it. And yes, these teens drink, smoke, shag, manipulate, bully, and generally behave badly -yet they're still smart enough to care about not becoming losers with trust funds. The beauty of it is, It's a show that doesn't talk down to teens (i still remember how i used to hate that); it's awesomely sassy and hilariously over the top.

But why I'm I hooked to it? Because of Chuck Bass & Blair Waldorf. The 02 are superbly the nastiest, most manipulative self absorbed snobs currently on TV. Remember 48 laws of power?

Go right to law # 15: "Crush your enemy totally."

These two kids live by this law and i admit I love to watch them wreck havoc from the safety of my couch...their one redeeming quality? With Chuck & Blair as your friends, you don't need an army.

Warning: Parents will froth at the mouth over this one. But before they get into that first dry heave, let me play devil's advocate by reminding them teens have been behaving badly looong before there was gossip girl. And right now, you've got kids who lack the imagination, passion, discipline and drive to paint & realize their dreams in a world that is harsh and unforgiving. So yeah, you got bigger problems than teen shows.

Honorable mention (s): For those who love addictive, fast, no-nonsense ass-kicking, shoot 'em up kind of suspense dramas, i highly recommend 24....and there's a clock ticking...

And if you love the supernatural & the deliciously bizarre, do sample True blood. I'm currently eating up each and every episode.


But please don't just take my word for it... after all, I've been known to watch TV after having one or two (maybe three-ish?) highly suspect sippy sippies....



Mob wendos,


Nyambura


PS: Sesame street turned 40 yrs this month. Now that's a classic. I still love this show, and i salute KBC for introducing me to it coz it was the most creative education/entertainment combo show for kids i ever watched. I not only recommend it to kids, I'll watch it with the kids.

Yes dear, the devil is in the details

I’ve never been so happy at the sight of unexpected rain (and on a Friday night) like I was on Friday. I was beyond ecstatic, then I had to spoil it by getting into a mat that had its windows jammed shut and got assaulted by hair-raising body odors that rival and topped those of a rained on he-goat. My civility poof’d and I wrinkled my nose as I gave the culprits the evil eye (yes, they were more than one. All jamaas)

I don’t get it; what is it about the basic concept of taking a shower/bath (sponge baths included) that is so hard to grasp? It’s not hard guys, really. You can do it and all you need is water and a piece of panga soap as the bare essentials. And here’s a great motivation; a great smelling dude scores major cool points with the ladies (just don’t gas everyone to death by dousing yourself in cologne)

So repeat after me:

Thou shall not be hygienically challenged

Thou shall not be hygienically challenged

So help us God, thou shall not be hygienically challenged…

1…2…3…breathe….

Speaking of great smelling dudes, that very same Friday was sleep over night with the girls. And it was a great night except for a few date stories that had me wincing and laughing at every syllable. The below get special mention:

Tale # 1: Girl goes out on a date where the guy’s contribution to the conversation sounds like a combination of a CV to the HR and his net worth report to KRA.

Moral of this story: I’m not sure if he was being a show-off, but he came out sounding like one. And it was veeery annoying

Tale # 2: Guy asks girl out for a date. So they check their schedules and they agree Sunday would be a great day; except he goes on to add a tiny detail that it will be DURING his golfing session. Girl gapes at him and suddenly remembers she has other plans...date didn’t happen

Moral of this story: Guys, its ok even healthy to love sports. Just don’t blatantly show her that’s what’s top on your priority list on your first date. And yes, this also applies to guys who take their dates to a sports bar and make sure they have a great view of the giant screen so they won’t miss the big game.

Tale # 3: Girl is over moon that this rudge dude she’s known for a while is finally asking her out. He’s got the hot bod, and he can hold an interesting conversation…sounds like the makings of a great date right? Wrong.

Guy orders a drink for her BEFORE asking her what she drinks and it turned out to be a drink she doesn’t take. Then he sulks at the end of the evening when she announces she’s going to her digs. Alone.

Good thing, she had cab money to take herself home coz jock boy suddenly had a problem with driving her home…to date, she’s still trying to pretend the evening never happened.

Moral of this story: Where do I even start?

-This date should have been over the minute he ‘ordered’ her drink. Just ‘coz jocks seem cool doesn’t mean they’re actually cool. Give the kawa guy a chance. He may pleasantly surprise you

-A pompous self-absorbed arse is just that; a pompous self-absorbed arse.

-Smart girls DO carry enough money for the cab home and to pick up the check should he turn out to be the date from hell

Tale # 3: Guy who kept spitting as they made their way from the parking lot to the club… let’s combine this with the storo of the guy with terrible table etiquette

Moral of this story: Ewwww….ew… ew (Enough said)

Ok, so chivalry is supposed to be dead and instant gratification all the rage. But it pays to make an effort. And please do your homework. The devil after all, is in the details. And there are great guys who are getting it right, so it’s not impossible.

Saturday late afternoon: when most people were headed for the MAMAs (Kasarani looked really awesome yes?), I decided to have some grub and grog with the boys. And I came away with bits of wisdom that went something like this:

1. Ladies, the freeze n shine outfit may look hot in front of the mirror, but once you step out in the chilly weather without a jacket your level of intelligence instantly becomes highly questionable…same applies to walking in shoes that give your face the pinched look or make you wobble, or wearing a mini only to keep tagging at it in public…

2. It is possible for guys over 28 to engage in an outrageously hilarious ten minute discussion about farts (disturbing but true….and they had not even opened their 3^rd beer)

3. When you’re drinking with the boys and want to go home, DO NOT announce you’re leaving. Just go home (as discreetly as possible). Announcing is a buzz-kill of sorts that the boys will immediately rectify by sweet talking or arm twisting you into having one more beer.

4. There is no such thing as one more beer.

Disturbing images of the week that was:

#1: On prime time news; the slow-mo replay of that kid ducking as an out-of-control rally car flew over his head. It had me shouting OMG! OMG! (In kyuk)

# 2: Still on prime time news: A Pastor & his adulterous accomplice handcuffed and being escorted to the cop station. In the nude.

# 3: A huffing and puffing Nyambura attempting to prepare for the stanchart 10k run (ahem:walk) ….I’m still not sure how I got talked into that one

Hope your weekend was just as legendary.

Hera Mangeny, (as my buds of the dholuo persuasion would put it)

Nyambura

PS: All those lining up at a cinema near you to watch “Inglourious Basterds” say “Ay”

Yep, another offering from Tarantino (anyone who’s watched pulp fiction will understand why I’m obsessing) ….and don’t you just love the way Basterds rolls off your tongue? I’m in love with the word…Say, what if I said it with a Tanzanian accent…hmmm

Friday afty; girl just got paid…

1500 hrs: I’ve officially rendered myself useless for the remainder of the day…

Seriously, I’ve been trying all day to sit still at my desk and be productive-and failed miserably. And no, it has nothing to do with the caffeine.

Friday is my fave day of the week; no matter how stressful it gets, the anticipation for the weekend adds an extra spring to my step. Saturdays never live up (or down) to Friday’s expectations and come Sunday I’m sobering up to the harsh reality that is Monday.

But the most awesome Friday is the last Friday of the month (also known as pay day).

Now THAT is the stuff fantasies are made of. Right now, I’m feeling rich and its a beautiful feeling. Take this morning for example. I took a mat which ended up dropping me off one stage away from my usual stop. I had to walk the rest of the way arriving at the office 15 minutes later with feet looking like I had just trekked all over Damascus. And i did it with a smile on my face. Unbelievable, i know. And the smile changed to a mellowed out grin as i drudged through the e-mails in my office in-box without cursing or gesturing like crazy (now that i think about it, it would totally explain why my colleague was giving me a funny look, like i had taken some potent sippy sippys and i'm not talking about caffeinated kind)...

And now i'm about to finish my workday with such beautiful visions of lasagna, vodka, shopping sprees, disco lights in smoke filled rooms, choma, more vodka and yours truly being oh so deliciously up-to-no-good, I’m almost giddy. Sounds like the devil’s hot on my heels laughing himself silly. I know. And he is.

So me hearties, enjoy being fiiine, do some damage and here’s to Arthur!

Mob wendos,

Nyambura

PS: The Guinness ‘to Arthur’ Tv commercial is beautiful in its simplicity and the magic, l feel, lies in the way it aptly reminds us why beer is one of the coolest inventions ever

Of terribly awful music videos

Being cooped up home on a Thursday ‘cause of the flu has me teed off for several reasons:


1. A day off work normally = a free day spent gallivanting in and around town. My spirit is willing but thy aching, flu-ravaged flesh is screaming no

2. Our local TV stations scrapped morning cartoons which = no apt entertainment to jumpstart my mind (Looney tunes, KND, Aladdin, Batman, Sponge bob & x-men; you’re still loved and greatly missed)

3. Last night I failed to arm myself with any rental movies= ill prepared to bum out. So I’m going through my DVD collection to see which TV show I can do a marathon re-run of without falling asleep…it’s a yummy tie between ‘Deadwood’, ‘Gossip girl’ and ‘how I met your mother’


So I flip through channels as I try to figure out which of the 03 shows will be just right and pause at Kiss TV; a channel I have been strategically avoiding since it first came on air. Don’t get me wrong, I wish them all the best. I really do, but playing music videos for 24 hours is my idea of bringing hell to the living room…which brings to my attention (again) something I’m eternally puzzling over: why are most hip hop vids so dreadful?

First off, there’s the appalling imagery; is there some commandment that states “Thou shall not shoot music vids without some almost naked ladies in it…lots of almost naked ladies…who have to act like they’re fawning over some guy, and the acting has to be really terrible?”

And oh, note how while the video ladies are in string bikinis or something similar (even without a water body in sight) the guys are in oversized clothes.

I go like “Aren’t those girls freezing?!”

Sometimes I wish they’d at least pretend to be drinking something nasty (say, like cham). Coz then I can nod in understanding & mumble “Ahhh, they’ve gone & drunk themselves silly. That totally explains why they lost their clothes!”

FYI, you’ll never see the men in Speedos and fleeting shots of bare chests (of the male persuasion that is) is the smuttiest video male models/dancers will ever get….and even such shots are rare.

Then some of the lyrics leave me genuinely stumped; I get it, you’ve made it. You’re rolling in the good stuff. But seriously, is it really necessary to belt out chest-thumping 03 minute songs solely dedicated to: the big house you own; the nice car (don’t forget to add an extra line swooning over the rims) and detailed accounts of trysts you’ve had with gorgeous women?!
Last time I checked affluence doesn’t scream for attention nor does a gentleman kiss and tell. It’s just down right tacky.

And oh, that crap about putting a cap in someone’s arse or physically assaulting someone is way too crazy for me to even try & wrap my logic around it…

I guess it shouldn’t bug me much (I simply switch channels as per kawa no?) except Kenyan teenagers look up to these guys so much, like they’re gods or something...and you’ll see these videos everywhere from pubs to mats. Come on guys, if what they sing is what they are all about, then we definitely can be way cooler than they are…They've got no imagination no?

Picture this; if you bragged about your wealth like that in Kenya, you're begging thugs to happily help themselves to some of it. Shoot off your mouth about your one night stands & brawls or how you wekad someone ngeta and folks will just look at you like you’re an idiotic, juvenile sociopath at best…

On a bright note: The upside to watching such bad videos is that it makes you appreciate the genuinely good ones.
Special mention goes to 02 songs whose videos and lyrics not only made me laugh but they had my attention:
Bongo la biashara –Jua Cali and a guy called Meja (that’s his name, yes?)
Niko poa- by ‘Meja’

I’m sure there are more good ones that I’ve not had the pleasure of viewing yet (feel free to recommend some).

Now back to my dilemma; will it be:

Oh so deliciously sexy Gossip girl OR Brilliantly lawless Deadwood OR the eternally funny Bernie & co?

Methinks ‘how I met your mother’ is what the Doc would’ve prescribed.


Mob wendos,


Nyambura